Being a young carer - Camden Rise

What does it mean to be a young carer? And if you are a young carer or a child in your family is taking on more of a mum or dad role, where can you turn for help and support?

Kayla*, an 11-year-old from Camden, found herself taking on more and more responsibility for her nine-year-old autistic brother, as well as supporting her mum, who is a lone parent.

Kayla said: “My younger brother has autism, so I’ve been helping out at home. If he wants help on something or wants me to play with him, I spend time with him.”
 
This includes helping her brother with homework, basketball practice or joining him with his online games, such as Pokémon. Meanwhile, Kayla was also taking on more than her fair share of household chores to support her mum – including helping with cooking and cleaning.
 
Despite having joined a local group for children whose siblings have special educational needs and disabilities, she was beginning to feel stressed and isolated in her role as a young carer. When the pandemic struck in 2020, and both children were at home, it became increasingly obvious to Kayla’s mum that the family needed outside support.
 
Through Camden Council’s Early Help service, Kayla and her family were referred to the charity Family Action, which provides a range of support for families, including the Islington and Camden Young Carers Service. 
 
Her mum said: “Kayla was already part of the siblings' group with Camden Mosaic [the disabled children’s service]. During the lockdown, she took on a very parental role in helping with her brother. She has been my rock in the way she supports her brother. But she became quite isolated as a result, which was why I got her involved with the siblings' group, so she could meet other children going through similar things. 
 
“But, because Kayla is more of a young carer, the siblings' group didn’t fully work for her. A lot of the stress she was under was to do with her feeling she was a mum, rather than a daughter, at times.

"I suffer from migraine, anxiety and depression sometimes so was relying quite a lot on her support. Her brother can have angry outbursts and Kayla is able to calm him down and help regulate his behaviour. She has a very good gauge of his feelings and emotions. She’s like a second mum. She can understand him. His speech and language was not well developed – he wasn’t verbal until aged seven. Kayla learned British Sign Language (BSL) to help support him and communicate better with him.”
 
Kayla said she learned BSL at her school but also in her own time. Her brother understands it too, so it helped her communicate better with him. She also helps support her brother when the siblings visit their dad, who lives in another part of north London.
 
Kayla said: “Sometimes we [her and her brother] get angry with each other but we always find a way to make it up.”
 
Her mum said: “She does a lot discretely for him. When he’s been asked to do something and is on the verge of lashing-out she will often step in and calm things down. At the same time, she tends to put her brother before herself and doesn’t take account of what impact that has on her welfare. She feels a sense of responsibility for him.”
 
Sophie Large, senior young carers practitioner at Family Action’s Islington and Camden Young Carers Service, has been working with Kayla and her family for six months. 
 
Kayla said: “Sophie takes me out and we talk a lot about how I could work out a way to think about myself first - rather than my brother, then me.”
 
Sophie said: “Although we’re a young carer-led service, we offer support for the whole family.”
 
This means working with Kayla’s mum – and sometimes her brother too – to respond to issues raised by Kayla during her fortnightly one-to-one sessions with Sophie. This could include making the allocation of household chores more balanced to ease the pressure on Kayla.
 
Sophie said: “We pick up on the things that Kayla tells me might make her life a bit easier and look, as a group, at how we can try to make positive changes.

"Everyone in the household works together. We recently drew up a safety plan for her brother. The idea is that by keeping him healthy, safe and happy we will help his sister too.”
 
Kayla said: “I get more time to myself now I would say.”
 
Kayla’s mum said: “The young carers service gives Kayla a voice. She’s able to talk to Sophie - they have a really good relationship. She always seems lighter when she comes back from a session. It has been a real help knowing that Kayla has someone she can talk to - someone that has been there before.

"One of the issues for me was not knowing if I was doing the right thing, or if I was putting too much pressure on her. It is really reassuring to know, as a parent, that it is OK - that she can do it, I am not overusing her and that she has the support she needs.

"She doesn’t like to burden me with her stresses and problems because she thinks I have enough but to know that she has a safe adult to talk to is really reassuring.”
 
When a young carer is referred to Family Action’s Islington and Camden Young Carers Service, the charity carries out an assessment of the impact on the young person, the practical aspects of their carer role and the emotional impact of that. In Kayla’s case, she was providing a great deal of emotional care, with quite a strong link between her own happiness and her brother’s. If her brother was having a difficult day, Kayla would pick up his slack, including household chores that he was supposed to help with.
 
While supporting the family to ensure these everyday tasks are more fairly distributed, a lot of Sophie’s work has involved one-to-one sessions with Kayla to explore how she feels about her caring role and give her a safe space to open up about her emotions – such as how her brother’s behaviour can make her feel – with the aim of trying to help Kayla feel that she isn’t solely responsible for his wellbeing.
 
Sophie said: “We can’t care for anyone else before we care for ourselves.”
 
For example, putting more support in for her brother can help his sister. He has received support from a family therapist through the child and adolescent mental health service. Meanwhile, Sophie believes there are positive aspects to being a young carer.

She said: “Feeling like you are learning new things, that you are better able to cope because of the resilience you are building up, being a compassionate and empathetic person – these are the wonderful things about being a young carer. 
 
“The hardest step for families is acknowledging the fact that their child is a young carer. If you are worried about a young person caring for someone with mental or physical health needs or you think your child is taking on more of a mum or dad role either contact our service or contact Early Help.

"It is not a bad thing - there’s no shame in being a young carer. It’s important that the young person can still be a child and get some help and advice.”

*Note: name changed to protect identity.